Jo Carlson |
Thesis paper
Tough Love
Jo Carlson
Linman
May, 2015
Does tough love really help, concerning all or most who have an addiction the way we wish it would? The definition of tough love is, “The use of strict disciplinary measures and limitations of freedoms of privileges, as by a parent or guardian, as means of fostering responsibility and expressing care or concern.” or, “The practice of taking a stern attitude towards a relative or friend suffering from an addiction etc. to help the addict overcome the problem.” The term “Tough Love” was first used in a book in 1976 but it wasn’t even applied to addiction. An addiction specialist can and will most likely advise you about your best options including tough love being one of them if your child or someone you know is addicted. Sometimes people who start abusing drugs as teens are mimicking certain patterns of their parents. In situations like this the teens were missing basic essential role models who are important in helping change basic addictive behaviors. Parents who have an addiction problem are emotionally unavailable and unable to help their children as they struggle with their own difficulties. Dealing with difficult situations like drug addictions can be one of the toughest parts of parenting or just being a loved one, but it is one of the responsibilities that comes with parenting; providing love unconditionally, providing structure and support for what kids are going through emotionally. Even when an addict refuses love or support never give up on someone who has already given up on themselves.
Not every addict has experienced trauma and there are two things that can go wrong. Things that happen in an addict’s life that shouldn’t happen, which is trauma, and things that should happen that don’t, neglect. For some people rock bottom means losing everything they have ever had and for others who have already hit rock bottom, when they already have nothing left, life is meaningless. These people don’t need anymore negative or tough love. They need support and a stabilization plan or intervention to help them get to the place where they can accept help.
We live in a culture that promotes addiction on a daily basis. Have you ever heard of the term “Scapegoat”? In the Bible this means “a goat on whom the community symbolically imposed all its sins and then chases it into the desert (________).” This is what we do to people with addiction who are already lost in their own desert. The goat represents the addict. We chase them away to rid our own “sins”. Punishment is tough love it won’t get through to people who have addiction because it is so negative, and it does not solve the problem, it makes it bigger. They need more positive support. We need to provide support and emotional nourishment, and be there for them knowing that they will use again because they are addicted. We give them compassion. The addicts who have caring and more positive people around them are most likely going to try the recovery process then people who are familiar with tough love because thats all they have ever known.
Most people who are all for tough love will say that consequences for wrong behavior or relapse is not punishment, and sometimes an addict must learn that behavior results in a natural consequence, until the addict learns that there isn’t any reason to punish or be helped. This is not how addicts learn their lessons if they do not want to learn their lessons they will not, and they will rebel. It is a repeating cause and effect cycle, if kind love does not work neither will tough love. It is up to the addict, even if they want to change, it is critical to get to a place of sobriety before they can even begin to change their behaviors. If they do not want to change their ways to a healthier way then they won’t but emotional support is more positive than forcing an addict to learn their lessons when they choose not to listen or learn. This is the fragile difference between enabling and stabilizing.
There is no lack of proof that the result of tough love is often harm rather than help and most of what we think we know is slightly incorrect or based more on myth than on fact. So does tough love really work for addiction when we have judgments only based on our perspectives and what we think we have learned? Or do we need to look at the addict’s perspective and the research behind addiction?
A type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement is codependency. Codependency is a learned behavior that is often passed down from generation to generation. “It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individuals ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.(________)” People that have a codependency condition often form relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive or abusive verbally or physically. “There are many definitions but codependency basically means people who let the feelings and actions of another person affect them to the point that they feel like they have lost control of their own lives (__________).” Some common characteristics of codependency are excessive care-taking, low self-esteem, denial, fear of anger, health problems, and addictive behavior. “Codependents feel responsible for others actions, feelings, choices, and emotional well-being.” “They try to anticipate loved ones needs and often wonder why others do not do the same.” “Codependents are people who need to be needed.” “They will only feel important and valuable when they are helping others, and blame themselves for anything that goes wrong.” “Codependents typically ignore, minimize, or rationalize problems in the relationship, believing that things will get better when they stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings.” “Codependents are afraid of both their own and their loved ones anger because they fear it will destroy the relationship.” “The stress of codependency can lead to headaches, ulcers, asthma and high blood pressure.” “Codependents may themselves develop addictions in an attempt to deal with their pain and frustration.”
In addition, codependency tends to happen more with women. The traditional role model trains women to be codependent. Our culture has in the past rewarded women for care-taking, and self-sacrificing qualities which were looked upon as codependent traits. The disorder of codependency was identified about 10 years ago as the result of studying interpersonal relationships in the families of alcoholics. Codependency behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior. Codependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, therefore treatment usually involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. “It is often mistakenly assumed that drug abusers lack moral principles or will power and that they could stop using drugs simply by choosing to change their behavior, but in reality drug addiction is a complex disease, and quitting takes more than good intentions or strong will.” Drugs change the brain’s chemistry, in other words the drugs change the way an addict views anything, and feels, addicts lose the ability to feel emotion in the way they used to before they started using. Drugs contain chemicals that tap into the brain’s communication system and disrupt the way nerve cells normally send, receive, and process information. There are two ways that drugs cause this disruption, by imitating the brain’s natural chemical messengers and by overstimulating the reward circuit of the brain. The similar structure of drugs to chemical messengers called neurotransmitters, which are produced by the brain. This similarity allows the drugs to fool the brains receptors and activate nerve cells to send abnormal messages to the brain(__________). “As a person continues to abuse drugs, the brain adapts to the overwhelming surges in dopamine by producing less dopamine or by reducing the number of dopamine receptors in the reward circuit.” Long term abuse causes changes in other brain chemical systems and circuits as well. The risk for addiction is influenced by a combination of factors that include individual biology, social environment, and age or stage of development. With all of these variables, the initial intervention and stabilization often will not be accepted by the addict. They literally have to get sober to stay sober.
Helping is generally defined as doing something for someone else that they are not capable or are unable to do for themselves. Enabling is commonly defined as doing something for someone else that they could and should be doing for themselves. When we help someone who has substance abuse we make it easier for them to avoid the consequences of their actions. When an addict learns that someone will always help them get out of a situation they put themselves in, then they are encouraged to continue their behavior since they have learned they can avoid the consequences of their own actions. Our world revolves around our own life. Our reality is determined by what we perceive with our senses, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. By understanding your own life, you maintain the ability to make choices that are in alignment with your path and purpose in life. Our life is the result of the choices we make. The quality of our relationships, the condition of our home or automobile, and the quality of our work is the result of the choices we have made to make it as far as we choose to go in life. Examples of enabling behaviors are, repeatedly bailing them out of jail, financial problems, and other tight spots that they get themselves into. Giving them one more chance, than another, and another, and so on. “Ignoring the problem because they get defensive when you bring it up or your hope that it will magically go away.” “Joining them in the behavior when you know they have a problem with it.” “Joining them in blaming others for their own feelings, problems, and misfortunes.” “Accepting their justifications, excuses, and rationalizations.” “Avoiding problems keeping the peace, believing a lack of conflict will help.” “Doing for them what they should be able to do for themselves.” “Softening or removing the natural consequences of the problem behavior.” “Trying to fix them or their problem.” “Repeatedly coming to the rescue.” “And trying to control them or their problem like they are a child.” These are all examples of enabling behavior (_________).
Codependent controlling behaviors and addiction go hand in hand. However, as an addict begins to make changes in behavior, it is important to support those efforts at being healthy. As changes occur, you offer the best possible environment to encourage positive change in the addict. Take ownership is step one of four steps toward positive change. Addiction is often considered a family disease because it is typical that the entire household takes on unhealthy behaviors and habits. If you don’t stop your enabling behavior then you are only making it easier for the addict to continue in their disease. Setting healthy boundaries is called tough love but there is no reason why it is called tough. It can be just as hard on the family of the addict as the addict themselves. “Letting go” is step two of four. Detachment is really about doing what you can to distance yourself from the troubles of addiction. “Changing your focus” is step three of four. When you are in a codependent relationship your main focus revolves around the addict. The only real control you have is over your own actions and behaviors. You cannot control addiction in the addicted. “Reaching out for help” is step four of four. (_____________). There are groups that get together to reach out to the loved ones that are addicts and share their experiences and gain help and support from those around them. You learn to allow him or her to live their own life and face their own consequences. Since way back when love has been understood as the gentlest of all emotions, we have known that loving someone when they struggle doesn’t mean making it easy for them to stay sick. it is the opposite. We love them in spite of their additions. Don’t believe that tough love is the way to go. If you ask an expert that is both honest, and competent, he or she will undoutedly explain to you that positive reinforcement such as love and support are much more likely to help someone overcome addiction then anything related to tough love. Treating people kindly is a good thing, being mean to teach a lesson is never a good thing for an addict. Our civilization has taken up tough love for many reasons. “Many reasons that can range all the way from class politics to religiously motivated zealotry.” “Many people take pleasure in degrading others, and are grateful for any self righteous excuses available(__________) .” When people do this they can usually avoid shame, avoid the blame, and still achieve the same pleasure of inflicting negative actions to the lives upon many. The problem with “Tough Love” as an adopted process, is that it often backfires and people can find themselves torn between enabling an addict and showing the act of tough love towards an addict. Most of the families that prefer to use tough love can create a vicious circle of extremes without knowing what they are doing or what they have done. And by doing so they have created an increase in the likelihood of the addict going through a relapse. “Some of the many reasons that tough love is not considered to be effective are, Tough love is often used simply out of anger, frustration, confusion, or desperation.” “Tough love behaviors are often poorly enforced by family members.” “Tough love behaviors can be mistakenly used instead of setting a healthy environment with boundaries.” “Tough love can deprive an addict of the support he or she needs from the loved ones around him or her.” “Tough love behaviors do not allow an addict to understand the root of his or her problem, therefore they will fail to attempt fixing the problem.”
Being careful and thoughtful can help a family know the difference. The family can become overly involved in the addict’s private matters in his or her life. but getting involved in the drama and constant state of crisis that is so often and easily found in the life of an addict you have just become an enabler. Tough love and enabling are not enough to force a family member to seek help or get treated for an addiction. It is extremely important that family, friends, and friends of the family understand that tough love and enabling behaviors are not necessary or needed to encourage an addict to get on the right path to a healthy and happy, addiction free life and future. It is the best idea to avoid destructive behaviors that are associated with tough love or enabling, and instead we should embrace sensible support for their loved one that is suffering from the disease of addiction.
There are ways not to respond to an addict. The most negative and harmful responses to an addict are anger, pity, criticism, scorn, blame, and lectures. The best responses towards an addict are to look at an addiction more compassionately and to see the evidence of major family dysfunction and agony and learn to accept it. Common mistakes made from unaware people towards addicts are to “assume that addiction applies only to alcoholism or other drug dependence, or to take responsibility for saving the addict or their dependents. This often includes losing the healthy and very personal boundaries as you ignore self-care, assuming they know what causes a true addiction, deny, minimize, or justify, the wounded person’s harmful attitudes and behaviors.” other suggestions include, “...don’t scorn, pity, or criticize him or her for choosing to become an addict it is not a willful choice, don’t preach and moralize about addicts and addiction, this inherently disrespectful and breeds resentment anxiety, guilt, shame, and anger, don’t assume addiction is a personal problem, it is a reliable symptom of family dysfunction.” More unhelpful responses towards an addict are, “Dont assume an addiction is a character defect, disease, and a lack of personal will power, it is an uncontrollable, unconscious pain-avoidance compulsion, don’t assume that addiction is a genetic inheritance, it is for some but not all. Don’t assume that addiction is a stable condition, it is usually progressive, and often life-shortening, and don’t endure, excuse, or ignore an addicts self-destructive behavior, don’t enable their compulsion, don’t focus only on the addict’s troublesome behaviors, and don’t avoid trying to use logic reasoning and examples to convince the person to change their attitudes and behaviors.” These responses increase an addicts guilt, shame, anxiety and frustration in a painful way. What you need to know about addiction is the dynamic of addiction and how to adapt to it best. Addiction is a harmful compulsion, and a compulsion is a kind of physical action that cannot be controlled by willpower. Compulsion ranges from minor to major, for an example some people have a compulsion of washing their hands twenty times a day because of their fear of germs. Addiction is harmful psychologically and it hurts families and society.
Addiction is a complicated disease, and it exists in many forms. There are four types of addiction, and they all operate in the same exact way. The four different types of addictions are, the addiction to substances which is the most commonly known addiction, and of the addiction to substances there are two main substances and they are alcohol, and food. Food also alters your brain and body chemistry. People become addicted to sugar and carbohydrates. Another kind of addiction is the addiction to certain activities. For an example, workaholics are addicted to the way they feel while they work and can’t get enough, they just want to work and work and work some more, just compulsively. Another example for addiction to certain activities is the addiction to shopping, there is also the addiction to gambling of working out, or there are also people that pray compulsively, that can also be an addiction. People can become addicted to certain activities because their actions distract them from what is really going on inside. A third type of addiction is to mood states, like rage. An example of mood states is someone who is addicted to watching pornography excessively or interacting in sexual activity compulsively. People can also become addicted to relationships, that is the fourth type of addiction. For an example, the act of codependence.
Key addiction traits for all four addictions are, reality distortion, such as denial or minimizing, they are progressive because they increase inner pain, logic will not curb an addiction, and will increase inner pain. These are all key traits for addictions. There are several professionals that disagree with using tough love as a technique to deal with addiction. There are many different kinds of addictions and without the support of loved ones as the addict addresses his or her issues, the cycle can become even more lethal. Many do for a fact, need positive reinforcement and support. So to answer the question “Does tough love really help concerning all or most who have an addiction?” The answer is no, it may even make the addict’s emotional state worse than when they began, and it may force them to push their loved ones away because of all the guilt they feel. Finally, in addition to the addict’s pain, the family then becomes lonely and lost when an addict is being blamed for being addicted uncontrollably. Obviously, this sadly ends up in a cycle that perpetuates addiction rather than healing it.